Negative. That seems to be all that I hear or see lately. Three home tests and one blood test confirmed that I am not pregnant. So much hope was given to the situation this time, all for naught. The heartbreak and disappointment is almost unbearable. Five months of clomid have come to five months of extreme hope and extreme letdown. The first month or two, I was good. No problem! We have plenty of time. The fourth and fifth month: hope and faith shaken. Will it ever happen? Will I ever be the mom that I want to be so badly?
I have changed my heart in the past week. Am I truly hurt and sad? Yes. I am. Did I cry? Did I lose focus? Yes, I did. I am learning how to thank God for the gifts that I am going to receive instead of begging for what I want. Begging is not going to get me anywhere. God has promised that I will be a mom, I just have to thank Him for that promise and wait patiently. I feel like a petulant child, kicking and screaming. "I'm 30 years old, God! Why am I not a mom yet!?" I can't make it happen. I just have to wait for His perfect timing.
