Frustration

Today was not a good day.


My husband and I went in almost three weeks ago to have an ultrasound after a round of Femara and Bravella shots to help develop healthy follicles. I had been in this position three times before with nothing to show for any of the effort we put forth. This time, my husband was with me and we looked at my right ovary. I was anxiously awaiting the multitude of follicles that this treatment sometimes brings for women. There was nothing. My husband said that I visibly deflated on the table. The doctor insisted that we should not worry, we had one more ovary to look at. Moving to the right ovary, HOPE! There was one, single, solitary follicle. Just the right size to make the journey to being fertilized and granting us our first child after eight long years of trying.

We took the trigger shot to help the egg release and we then came back 36 hours later for the IUI (inutero insemination, aka artificial insemination) and I prayed and prayed that this would be the time. That we would be the lucky couple that has it take on the first round of IUI. I left on a high. I didn't drink anything but orange juice and water (mostly water), I ate healthy, cut back on overheating exercises and focused on walking and taking care of the "hopefully" growing baby in my belly.

Two weeks is torture. The worst. I don't wish it upon anybody. I had women from church, friends from work, family members, friends from college, all praying for this one little miracle. The first ever egg that I had ever knowingly produced. It felt like fate, like I was in the right place at the right time and all of the cosmos were aligning.

I tested today. My eyes shot open after only four and a half hours of sleep. I couldn't contain myself. I had to go and take the magic test that would prove that I had a baby coming. The one that would make all of my dreams come true for our family.

Devastation.

The millionth single lined pregnancy test.

Tears.

Supportive, loving, understanding, encouraging husband. He stayed up with me for a three hour conversation when I returned to bed. This is not the end of our story, but the beginning. This is the opening to a fantastic life. It just sucks for now, but it will all be worth it in the end and we will have the most beautiful, loved, adorable child.

My mind could not focus on the day ahead of me. I was ticked off at the world. I thought some nasty thoughts that I should not have out of jealousy of friends or people that I heard about. I was not, however, mad at God. I could not be. How could I? He has a plan for me. Do I have to like it? Will he give me everything I want when I want it? No. He is a good Father and he knows the power of perfect timing. He will fulfill his promise to me to be a mother. He will not back down and I know I have to give all of my trust to Him while he works his magic on my life. The serenity prayer kept coming to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This is my new mantra. I cannot change the plans that God has for me. I can just accept that I cannot change them and do whatever the doctors say I need to do in order to change the things I CAN change. I need to know what to leave in God's hands and what to take into my own.

I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life. My loving, supportive friends, who encourage me every step of the way. My parents, who never have given up hope and are supporting us through everything and have nothing but encouraging words and unyielding love. My husband, my sweet, loving, adorable husband, who loves me unconditionally, understands when I have drastic mood swings as I process the emotions I am feeling. He holds my hand and comforts when I am upset at the world and he encourages me to press on and have hope in our future family. We will have a family. We will be complete.

I still have hope, no matter how bad the day was, no matter how upset I get, hope will never fade.

Anxiously Waiting

Anxiety is something that I do not do well with. I am learning, however. I am on day five of my progesterone out of a ten day dose. I am so ready for it to be over so that everything can begin. The idea that our family could be on its way to being complete in just a short time is one of the most exciting things I have ever gone through. Possibly eight more days until I go in for my first appointment, seventeen days until appointment two and then between 19 and 20 days until our final appointment. Less than a month and we could be parents. After eight years of trying, this is something that I find surreal. 

Something that I have done for my future child is that I have created a Smash Book for them. In the book I write letters to them, expressing my hopes for their life and how much they are loved already. I also put in inspirational quotes, and verses from the Bible that helped me through the difficult times that came before they entered our lives. I also put in my own goals and dreams, so that they can see that we all want to do crazy things in life, like write a book, or run a marathon. I want my future child to know that they are loved unconditionally, and have been since the day God determined that we were going to be parents, even though it has taken so long for them to enter our lives. I wan to put in pictures of ultrasounds, pregnancy photos, baby shower cards, ideas for their nursery, etc. 

I am terrified. Parenthood is one of THE scariest things in life. I don't care, however. I want to be a mom so badly that there are no proper words in the English language to describe it. The thought of having my child in my arms makes my heart swell. Will I make mistakes? Yes, I will. Will I struggle and have hard days? Yes, absolutely. But will I do the best job I can to be the greatest mom that this child could ever have? Without a doubt in my mind. 

It Begins

God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes His shout is so loud that you can't help but listen. His shout was earsplitting for my husband and I about two months ago.
We had tried six months of Clomid with no results. Nothing we were doing was helping. I was still not pregnant. The heartbreak and disappointment was crushing. No amount of prayer seemed like enough. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to continue with treatment due to cost.
This is where my parents stepped in. My mom and dad are two of the most wonderful people on Earth. Through their calm support, they assured us that we didn't need to worry about finances, that it would all be okay and that our family is the most important thing to think about. They told me that they would do whatever we needed them to do in order to help. The weight that lifted off of our shoulders was incredible!
I called my OBGYN to ask her what specialists she would recommend. She gave me a list of six different doctors to call. I tried calling them all one day to discuss what a consultation cost would be. Five of those doctors were very clinical, just saying "The cost of a consultation is $--- and our first available date is ---." That was it. Nothing further. The one doctor that was different was drastically different. The lady on the phone answered and said "Before I give you a cost, let me get your insurance information. I know many insurances don't cover infertility, but it can't hurt to double check. I will call you back and let you know what I hear." And she DID! I thanked her for her kindness and she responded by saying "Absolutely. You are going through a painful process that many of us don't even come close to understanding and we need to treat it a such and be conscientious of that when we speak to you." Wow.
I scheduled the consultation and my hubby and I headed in to see what it was all about and what our options were. The doctor sat us down and discussed all options and not only did he do that, but he explained to me what PCOS really was. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome has the word "Cyst" in it, making it seem like cysts were involved. I had always been told that I didn't have it because I didn't have cysts, then my OB stated that I didn't have to have cysts to have PCOS. My specialist explained exactly what it was.
I have a bunch of teenage eggs in my ovaries, meaning that there are a bunch of half developed eggs that never dropped and they are just accumulating in my ovaries and releasing a bunch of testosterone, which is why I have had so many problems on so many levels. He also had me come in for an ultrasound where I actually got to look at my ovaries and see what it looked like. It looks like boba tea. That is seriously the best way I can think of to describe it. He also said that the doctors who discovered it called it PCOS because it looked like the woman's ovaries had cysts, but it was actually the eggs bulging in the ovaries. Kind of like if you were to fill a balloon with marbles.
Knowing what was really wrong with me, and seeing it so clearly was a blessing. I feel more confident in what I am doing and I know that God is telling me that I am in the right place. I listened to His call and He put me where I need to be.
We are getting ready to start a round of Femara. It is a drug similar to Clomid, but without side effects that could prevent pregnancy. He determined that the reason the Clomid wasn't working was that I had the side effects. Once I start my cycle and go through Femara, when I ovulate we will do IUI, which is like putting the package at the front door.
I pray that this is our month. God put us here for a reason and we just need to have faith in Him and be thankful for the future that He has in store for us.

Hope

My husband and I have made a huge decision in the journey of starting our family. Eight years we have tried to have a child. Six rounds of Clomid, multiple tests, monthly broken hearts when my monthly gift arrived and dashed hopes. I have been poked, prodded, injected, and more. After my sixth and final unsuccessful dose of Clomid, my amazing doctor recommended several specialists that we could go and see. I called all of them asking for average cost of a consultation and what their dates were. The most common response was "$---- and our earliest availability is ----" That was the full extent of our conversations. Except for one.
A beautiful voice answered the phone and when I asked what the cost was for a consultation, she stopped me and said, "Let me get your insurance information and check on what, if any, they will cover before I quote you a cost. I will call you back as soon as I know." She did call back a couple of hours later. I was floored. She had never met me before and she was willing to help me above and beyond expectations already. She then told me that I was not covered by insurance and what that meant for the cost of a consult. She gave me the earliest dates and asked all kinds of questions. She was impressed with all of the testing I had already done and said that I was well on my way to the best consultation he could give me.
I spoke to my husband that evening and we decided to make the appointment official. When I returned the call, the lovely lady answered again and I thanked her profusely for how she treated me on the phone the previous day and how it was not what I got from the other doctor's offices I called. She informed me, "You are going through a lot right now, and we have to handle it very differently than a normal doctor's office. We have to be sensitive to your situation." I was so moved by her.
God is sending me to these amazing doctors. I am amazed by what I am seeing and how I am being treated so far. May 30th will be our first visit on the way to our family. What that means, I don't know yet. Could we be on the road for IVF? Adoption? God only knows right now and I am putting my faith in His hands. I am full of hope once again.

Negative

Negative. That seems to be all that I hear or see lately. Three home tests and one blood test confirmed that I am not pregnant. So much hope was given to the situation this time, all for naught. The heartbreak and disappointment is almost unbearable. Five months of clomid have come to five months of extreme hope and extreme letdown. The first month or two, I was good. No problem! We have plenty of time. The fourth and fifth month: hope and faith shaken. Will it ever happen? Will I ever be the mom that I want to be so badly?
I have changed my heart in the past week. Am I truly hurt and sad? Yes. I am. Did I cry? Did I lose focus? Yes, I did. I am learning how to thank God for the gifts that I am going to receive instead of begging for what I want. Begging is not going to get me anywhere. God has promised that I will be a mom, I just have to thank Him for that promise and wait patiently. I feel like a petulant child, kicking and screaming. "I'm 30 years old, God! Why am I not a mom yet!?" I can't make it happen. I just have to wait for His perfect timing.