Anxiously Waiting

Anxiety is something that I do not do well with. I am learning, however. I am on day five of my progesterone out of a ten day dose. I am so ready for it to be over so that everything can begin. The idea that our family could be on its way to being complete in just a short time is one of the most exciting things I have ever gone through. Possibly eight more days until I go in for my first appointment, seventeen days until appointment two and then between 19 and 20 days until our final appointment. Less than a month and we could be parents. After eight years of trying, this is something that I find surreal. 

Something that I have done for my future child is that I have created a Smash Book for them. In the book I write letters to them, expressing my hopes for their life and how much they are loved already. I also put in inspirational quotes, and verses from the Bible that helped me through the difficult times that came before they entered our lives. I also put in my own goals and dreams, so that they can see that we all want to do crazy things in life, like write a book, or run a marathon. I want my future child to know that they are loved unconditionally, and have been since the day God determined that we were going to be parents, even though it has taken so long for them to enter our lives. I wan to put in pictures of ultrasounds, pregnancy photos, baby shower cards, ideas for their nursery, etc. 

I am terrified. Parenthood is one of THE scariest things in life. I don't care, however. I want to be a mom so badly that there are no proper words in the English language to describe it. The thought of having my child in my arms makes my heart swell. Will I make mistakes? Yes, I will. Will I struggle and have hard days? Yes, absolutely. But will I do the best job I can to be the greatest mom that this child could ever have? Without a doubt in my mind. 

It Begins

God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes His shout is so loud that you can't help but listen. His shout was earsplitting for my husband and I about two months ago.
We had tried six months of Clomid with no results. Nothing we were doing was helping. I was still not pregnant. The heartbreak and disappointment was crushing. No amount of prayer seemed like enough. We weren't sure if we were going to be able to continue with treatment due to cost.
This is where my parents stepped in. My mom and dad are two of the most wonderful people on Earth. Through their calm support, they assured us that we didn't need to worry about finances, that it would all be okay and that our family is the most important thing to think about. They told me that they would do whatever we needed them to do in order to help. The weight that lifted off of our shoulders was incredible!
I called my OBGYN to ask her what specialists she would recommend. She gave me a list of six different doctors to call. I tried calling them all one day to discuss what a consultation cost would be. Five of those doctors were very clinical, just saying "The cost of a consultation is $--- and our first available date is ---." That was it. Nothing further. The one doctor that was different was drastically different. The lady on the phone answered and said "Before I give you a cost, let me get your insurance information. I know many insurances don't cover infertility, but it can't hurt to double check. I will call you back and let you know what I hear." And she DID! I thanked her for her kindness and she responded by saying "Absolutely. You are going through a painful process that many of us don't even come close to understanding and we need to treat it a such and be conscientious of that when we speak to you." Wow.
I scheduled the consultation and my hubby and I headed in to see what it was all about and what our options were. The doctor sat us down and discussed all options and not only did he do that, but he explained to me what PCOS really was. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome has the word "Cyst" in it, making it seem like cysts were involved. I had always been told that I didn't have it because I didn't have cysts, then my OB stated that I didn't have to have cysts to have PCOS. My specialist explained exactly what it was.
I have a bunch of teenage eggs in my ovaries, meaning that there are a bunch of half developed eggs that never dropped and they are just accumulating in my ovaries and releasing a bunch of testosterone, which is why I have had so many problems on so many levels. He also had me come in for an ultrasound where I actually got to look at my ovaries and see what it looked like. It looks like boba tea. That is seriously the best way I can think of to describe it. He also said that the doctors who discovered it called it PCOS because it looked like the woman's ovaries had cysts, but it was actually the eggs bulging in the ovaries. Kind of like if you were to fill a balloon with marbles.
Knowing what was really wrong with me, and seeing it so clearly was a blessing. I feel more confident in what I am doing and I know that God is telling me that I am in the right place. I listened to His call and He put me where I need to be.
We are getting ready to start a round of Femara. It is a drug similar to Clomid, but without side effects that could prevent pregnancy. He determined that the reason the Clomid wasn't working was that I had the side effects. Once I start my cycle and go through Femara, when I ovulate we will do IUI, which is like putting the package at the front door.
I pray that this is our month. God put us here for a reason and we just need to have faith in Him and be thankful for the future that He has in store for us.