Things NOT to Say to a Woman Dealing with Infertility

Infertility is a struggle, not a choice. As a woman who is dealing with infertility, I hear some pretty shocking things on a regular basis. It is amazing what strangers will ask or say to me when I tell them I do not have any kids. My husband and I have been trying for eight and a half years. We have spent the past six months with a fertility specialist and have done four IUI procedures and they have all come up negative. I am tired. Frustrated and tired in every way you can possibly think of. I want to be a mom so badly that it hurts, and some of the things that strangers, and some friends, have said when discussing children and our lack of them has been extremely offensive or hurtful.

I don't share these things to be insensitive or to hurt anyone's feelings. I share these things to make people aware of what comments like these do to those of us who have had a hard struggle for what comes so easy to most. These are things nobody should ever say to an infertile woman.

1) If you relax it will happen. Stress can keep you from getting pregnant. 
            Ummmm…. Do you think that is something EASY to do? And do you know ANYTHING about my condition? Did you know that I have something wrong with me that keeps me from ovulating at all? If it were that easy, I would have been pregnant and done already! If all it would have taken was some yoga and a few massages I would have done that long ago!

2) My husband just looks at me and I am pregnant.
           Why don't you rub it in my face a little bit? I am already jealous of how quickly you get pregnant, do you have to bring it up every time we talk about my difficulties? I see you and your beautiful children and I get how lucky you are. Stating that it is so incredibly easy to a woman who is infertile is like a slap in the face or a punch in the stomach. I smile and nod, humoring those that say this, but it hurts to hear. It makes my struggle that much more apparent and painful.

3) I have a friend who (insert remedy story here).
          I understand that you had a friend who went through the process and did something fancy/silly/crazy and got pregnant by a stroke of luck. I am not your friend. I have tried everything and asked every question. I would walk backwards in a full moon and drink my tea upside down while hanging from the rafters on a Tuesday if it meant that I could get pregnant. I am super happy for your friend, but that is a one-off situation. Not mine.

4) Maybe it's not meant to be. 
          Yes, yes it is meant to be. Maybe I am not meant to get pregnant, but it most CERTAINLY is meant to be. I am going to be a mom come hell or high water. Whether that be from a fertility treatment, or the adoption of a beautiful child, born of another woman, it is absolutely, one-hundred percent meant to be. This one is one of the most offensive and hurtful statements. It is like saying that my life's goal, the one thing in the world that I want to be more than anything else, is never going to happen and I shouldn't dream of it.

5) You have been married a long time. Don't you want children? (From a stranger)
           This one comes 100% from strangers. Strangers have absolutely no right to speak into my life in that way or ask me those kinds of personal questions. I would never in a million years ask a woman why she doesn't have children and if she even wants them. I don't know what her life is like. I don't know her struggles. She may be just like me, where she wants nothing more than to be a mom, but just can't seem to make it happen naturally.

6) (Usually when kids are misbehaving) Are you sure you want one of these? 
            Seriously!? This one is one of the most frustrating ones of all. I want a child. I want a child in sweet, lovable, cuddly times, and I want them in the screaming, yelling, tantrum-filled, frustrating times. That is what comes with being a mom. I know I will be tired, angry, and hurt, but I also know that I will be witness to some of the most amazing, beautiful, miraculous moments in the world. One beautiful moment with my child will make all of the frustrating moments worth it. Being a mom is one of the most amazing jobs in the world, and every mom who has the blessing of being a mom should realize the gift that they have been given and never take that for granted.

7) I will be your surrogate. My womb is good to go and I love being pregnant. 
           First of all, no. Absolutely not. I would never ask my friend to be my surrogate. I know that there are some people who do and totally would, but never me. I would be so incredibly jealous of my friend that, sadly, I don't think our friendship would ever be the same. I know that it is a selfless offer, and one that takes a lot of love and generosity, but I do not want to watch my friend to through a pregnancy that should have been mine, the pregnancy that I wanted and prayed for on a daily basis. It would eat me up. Also, if it were a matter of me not being able to carry a child, I would not be going through the fertility treatments that I am currently going through.


Many may ask what women like me need in situations like these. These are things my beautiful friends have done for me that help me through my struggle.

*I have been given a small gift or a sweet card on Mother's day, as it is one of the most painful days of the year for me. Their kind words and beautiful generosity helps make the holiday less painful and more hopeful.

*Ask "How can I pray for you?"
   This simple question is one of the most beautiful things that I can hear. Knowing that you care enough about me to ask what you can pray for is such a wonderful gift. You want to know what I am feeling and going through.

*Giving me an uplifting text/email/FB message when I have another negative test.
      Knowing I have your support through this tough time and that you love me unconditionally is a wonderful thing. Having as many negative tests as I have had makes one feel broken. Like there is something wrong with me. The love and support of people who care is such a rock in my life. It helps me remember that there is nothing wrong with me and I AM worthy of being a mom.

*Just being there and offering a hug.
      Sometimes not saying anything is the best thing you can do. Offering a hug, or some silent time to let me cry it out is what I need.

My friends are amazing, beautiful, loving women who I know I can trust with anything and count on for everything. They have been there for me in ways that I cannot even express properly. God has gifted me with some phenomenal people in my life. Friends are the family that we choose, and I must say, I have some of the best chosen family in the world.

The next time you are talking to a woman who may be older and without children, or even a woman who doesn't have children in general, think of these words and remember what something that may come across as innocent to you can do to their mental and emotional state. Instead, be there, offer support, and ask them "How can I pray for you?"

Frustration

Today was not a good day.


My husband and I went in almost three weeks ago to have an ultrasound after a round of Femara and Bravella shots to help develop healthy follicles. I had been in this position three times before with nothing to show for any of the effort we put forth. This time, my husband was with me and we looked at my right ovary. I was anxiously awaiting the multitude of follicles that this treatment sometimes brings for women. There was nothing. My husband said that I visibly deflated on the table. The doctor insisted that we should not worry, we had one more ovary to look at. Moving to the right ovary, HOPE! There was one, single, solitary follicle. Just the right size to make the journey to being fertilized and granting us our first child after eight long years of trying.

We took the trigger shot to help the egg release and we then came back 36 hours later for the IUI (inutero insemination, aka artificial insemination) and I prayed and prayed that this would be the time. That we would be the lucky couple that has it take on the first round of IUI. I left on a high. I didn't drink anything but orange juice and water (mostly water), I ate healthy, cut back on overheating exercises and focused on walking and taking care of the "hopefully" growing baby in my belly.

Two weeks is torture. The worst. I don't wish it upon anybody. I had women from church, friends from work, family members, friends from college, all praying for this one little miracle. The first ever egg that I had ever knowingly produced. It felt like fate, like I was in the right place at the right time and all of the cosmos were aligning.

I tested today. My eyes shot open after only four and a half hours of sleep. I couldn't contain myself. I had to go and take the magic test that would prove that I had a baby coming. The one that would make all of my dreams come true for our family.

Devastation.

The millionth single lined pregnancy test.

Tears.

Supportive, loving, understanding, encouraging husband. He stayed up with me for a three hour conversation when I returned to bed. This is not the end of our story, but the beginning. This is the opening to a fantastic life. It just sucks for now, but it will all be worth it in the end and we will have the most beautiful, loved, adorable child.

My mind could not focus on the day ahead of me. I was ticked off at the world. I thought some nasty thoughts that I should not have out of jealousy of friends or people that I heard about. I was not, however, mad at God. I could not be. How could I? He has a plan for me. Do I have to like it? Will he give me everything I want when I want it? No. He is a good Father and he knows the power of perfect timing. He will fulfill his promise to me to be a mother. He will not back down and I know I have to give all of my trust to Him while he works his magic on my life. The serenity prayer kept coming to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This is my new mantra. I cannot change the plans that God has for me. I can just accept that I cannot change them and do whatever the doctors say I need to do in order to change the things I CAN change. I need to know what to leave in God's hands and what to take into my own.

I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life. My loving, supportive friends, who encourage me every step of the way. My parents, who never have given up hope and are supporting us through everything and have nothing but encouraging words and unyielding love. My husband, my sweet, loving, adorable husband, who loves me unconditionally, understands when I have drastic mood swings as I process the emotions I am feeling. He holds my hand and comforts when I am upset at the world and he encourages me to press on and have hope in our future family. We will have a family. We will be complete.

I still have hope, no matter how bad the day was, no matter how upset I get, hope will never fade.

Anxiously Waiting

Anxiety is something that I do not do well with. I am learning, however. I am on day five of my progesterone out of a ten day dose. I am so ready for it to be over so that everything can begin. The idea that our family could be on its way to being complete in just a short time is one of the most exciting things I have ever gone through. Possibly eight more days until I go in for my first appointment, seventeen days until appointment two and then between 19 and 20 days until our final appointment. Less than a month and we could be parents. After eight years of trying, this is something that I find surreal. 

Something that I have done for my future child is that I have created a Smash Book for them. In the book I write letters to them, expressing my hopes for their life and how much they are loved already. I also put in inspirational quotes, and verses from the Bible that helped me through the difficult times that came before they entered our lives. I also put in my own goals and dreams, so that they can see that we all want to do crazy things in life, like write a book, or run a marathon. I want my future child to know that they are loved unconditionally, and have been since the day God determined that we were going to be parents, even though it has taken so long for them to enter our lives. I wan to put in pictures of ultrasounds, pregnancy photos, baby shower cards, ideas for their nursery, etc. 

I am terrified. Parenthood is one of THE scariest things in life. I don't care, however. I want to be a mom so badly that there are no proper words in the English language to describe it. The thought of having my child in my arms makes my heart swell. Will I make mistakes? Yes, I will. Will I struggle and have hard days? Yes, absolutely. But will I do the best job I can to be the greatest mom that this child could ever have? Without a doubt in my mind.