Frustration

Today was not a good day.


My husband and I went in almost three weeks ago to have an ultrasound after a round of Femara and Bravella shots to help develop healthy follicles. I had been in this position three times before with nothing to show for any of the effort we put forth. This time, my husband was with me and we looked at my right ovary. I was anxiously awaiting the multitude of follicles that this treatment sometimes brings for women. There was nothing. My husband said that I visibly deflated on the table. The doctor insisted that we should not worry, we had one more ovary to look at. Moving to the right ovary, HOPE! There was one, single, solitary follicle. Just the right size to make the journey to being fertilized and granting us our first child after eight long years of trying.

We took the trigger shot to help the egg release and we then came back 36 hours later for the IUI (inutero insemination, aka artificial insemination) and I prayed and prayed that this would be the time. That we would be the lucky couple that has it take on the first round of IUI. I left on a high. I didn't drink anything but orange juice and water (mostly water), I ate healthy, cut back on overheating exercises and focused on walking and taking care of the "hopefully" growing baby in my belly.

Two weeks is torture. The worst. I don't wish it upon anybody. I had women from church, friends from work, family members, friends from college, all praying for this one little miracle. The first ever egg that I had ever knowingly produced. It felt like fate, like I was in the right place at the right time and all of the cosmos were aligning.

I tested today. My eyes shot open after only four and a half hours of sleep. I couldn't contain myself. I had to go and take the magic test that would prove that I had a baby coming. The one that would make all of my dreams come true for our family.

Devastation.

The millionth single lined pregnancy test.

Tears.

Supportive, loving, understanding, encouraging husband. He stayed up with me for a three hour conversation when I returned to bed. This is not the end of our story, but the beginning. This is the opening to a fantastic life. It just sucks for now, but it will all be worth it in the end and we will have the most beautiful, loved, adorable child.

My mind could not focus on the day ahead of me. I was ticked off at the world. I thought some nasty thoughts that I should not have out of jealousy of friends or people that I heard about. I was not, however, mad at God. I could not be. How could I? He has a plan for me. Do I have to like it? Will he give me everything I want when I want it? No. He is a good Father and he knows the power of perfect timing. He will fulfill his promise to me to be a mother. He will not back down and I know I have to give all of my trust to Him while he works his magic on my life. The serenity prayer kept coming to mind: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." This is my new mantra. I cannot change the plans that God has for me. I can just accept that I cannot change them and do whatever the doctors say I need to do in order to change the things I CAN change. I need to know what to leave in God's hands and what to take into my own.

I am blessed beyond measure by the people in my life. My loving, supportive friends, who encourage me every step of the way. My parents, who never have given up hope and are supporting us through everything and have nothing but encouraging words and unyielding love. My husband, my sweet, loving, adorable husband, who loves me unconditionally, understands when I have drastic mood swings as I process the emotions I am feeling. He holds my hand and comforts when I am upset at the world and he encourages me to press on and have hope in our future family. We will have a family. We will be complete.

I still have hope, no matter how bad the day was, no matter how upset I get, hope will never fade.